Walking Your Talk

“The neck bone connected to the back bone,
The back bone connected to the thigh bone,
The thigh bone connected to the knee bone,
The knee bone connected to the leg bone,
The leg bone connected to the foot bone
Dem bones, dem bones gonna walk a-roun'!”


Excerpted from “Dem Bones”
Lyrics by James Weldon Johnson
African-American Author & Songwriter
(1871-1938)













It’s an old song, but it gives a visual reality to the demand for things to connect, and align in order to function. Our culture is so focused on speed and multi-tasking that in many cases, the resulting stressors on the component parts of our bodies have knocked us out of physical alignment and left us susceptible to dis-ease. The lack of intellectual alignment impacts our lives as we become prone to lip service and disingenuous speech; a lack of spiritual alignment leaves us vulnerable to Machiavellian ethics and a loss of spiritual or “structural integrity.”

If the parts of a bridge structure become rusted, bent or out of alignment, the structure can no longer “carry the load” for which it was designed. It has lost its “structural integrity.” If the foundations of a building do not connect and align with the upper stories, the building will be declared unsafe and a hazard not only to people inside; but also to those in the surrounding area. The loss of structural integrity often comes after a major climatic event such as an earthquake or a storm – yet many buildings today are engineered to take a big quake in stride, flexing with the tremor, but ”returning to true” in short order. In fact, the real measure of structural integrity is perhaps measured by how much stress a building can take and still return to carrying the load.

I wonder if our definition of “Integrity” ought to begin with a structural context, and add an intellectual and a spiritual one as well? Isn’t it a matter of first forming beliefs and values, then stating them clearly, and finally moving on and living accordingly – so that belief, story and behavior connect and align?

I’ve seen many instances where individuals and corporations have been subjected to such stress, and twisted so far out of alignment that they are no longer able to carry the load. They have bent with the strain and lost their structural, intellectual and spiritual integrity. Sadly, the examples in the public sphere are all too common where what is said or claimed, does not carry through into trustworthy behavior.

Some good life questions:

Check your beliefs – are they still solid? Do they still carry the load?

Are you able to tell your story, simply, succinctly and with passion?

Are your actions a living demonstration of alignment of thought, word and deed? Do you have “structural integrity?”

It’s hard to form a belief, tell your story and act accordingly through all aspects of a life AND a career. It’s against the backdrop of a world rocked by seismic events where few people, corporations or countries make honest claim to what they believe, and demonstrate it daily that we begin to see the crystalline power of enduring values, plain speech and behavior that aligns.

And yet, that may be the highest goal; you’ll be a rare being and worth the dedication of family, friends and colleagues. Perhaps it is a fitting time for “returning to true” and then we will be walking our talk.

Co-Location of Universes: Part 2

Bridging the Distance between the “Verses”








News from the Frontiers of Science…(cont.)

Once again, we become aware of the fact that Different and Separate Universes may actually occupy the same space and time.

Observe the things that serve to separate us:

* People are texting, checking e-mail and surfing so intently these days, that it has become acceptable to text one another from a few feet away, rather than go the extra distance of actually looking at another to connect and speak.

* Blacks, Caucasians, Asians, Hispanics... Christians, Jews, Greek Orthodox worshippers... are all speaking native languages, eating native foods (all purchased from the local chain store…) and practicing native religious holidays, while passing each other in opposite directions on the highway. (Probably while texting...)

* Increasingly, when confronted with a live communication moment with another human being, we are not quite sure how to begin, how to conduct ourselves, or how to decide whether our experience was good, bad or indifferent.

Our uniqueness as individuals and tribes is beginning to separate us so thoroughly that we’re no longer certain of being able to connect with one another. Our stereotypes and tribal allegiances are pushing us to identify each other by tribe, address, language or religion (our differences) instead of by what we have in common. (It used to be called “stereotyping,” prejudice even, but we’re so “post racial” now, that we can’t use that framework any more…)

Last week we demonstrated that often without knowing it, we can actually translocate from our home universe, to another where we are both strange and strangers… The effects can be far reaching and dangerous – actually they ARE both far reaching and dangerous! Recall last week's article. (Speaking of vast distances... Can you recall last week's article?)

Herewith, some suggestions for adults and children of all races, religions, ages and persuasions as we go about bridging the light years between our home universes: Oh and remember, you’re dealing with an alien life form, but one that’s human nonetheless.

As you begin, turn off and step away from all electronics!

1. There’s no contact like EYE Contact! Look at your counterpart, and in a few moments the connection starts to form. As the connection persists, it’s uncomfortable not to talk. Honor that Discomfort and speak!

2. Start simple! The first sentence should probably be something like, “Hi!” Then move on from there.

3. The second sentence should be something you can agree on like, “So. Here we are…”

4. Then, “You know, there are couple things I’d love to find out if you don’t mind. I promise not to tell a soul and I’ll be good while I’m walking around in your universe here… OK?”

5. Then you ask and acknowledge, ask and acknowledge until you can play back the short version of what they’ve said, or better -- what they’re thinking or how they actually see their universe. This is how you know “the Verses have aligned” and that you are now “standing on the same rock.”

My father used to say “After you talk (and listen…) to someone else long enough, you find yourself standing on the same stone. The point of living with other people, Jennifer, is to always leave the other guy a place to stand.”

6. Finding yourself on the same rock/the same stone, you now have the “standing” to enquire ever so gently as to how you might help. “Hey, what shall we do together?”

Relationships of decades are begun from nothing more complex than this simple technique. The “Reach” embodied in these steps is a demonstration of interest, respect and accommodation – allowing the passage of enough time, and enough contact for the first signs of affinity to reveal themselves.

Can it happen on an electronic channel? To some degree, yes; but even the most powerful electronic relationship must be validated by actual physical proximity – witness online dating...

When you begin your journey over the vast intellectual, spiritual, sexual, tribal and individual distances between the verses, with no keyboard to guide you, remember…

The Eyes have it!

Co-Location of Universes

"At work, I'm Chief Magistrate, with a staff and a modicum of respect. At home, I'm the guy who takes out the garbage."

-- Edward Good
Author, Community Organizer










News from the frontiers of science: Two or more universes might actually occupy the same physical space while remaining in fact, separate and distinct. It's become apparent that we – each of us – live in separate worlds – sometimes two or more at a time. Oh, we can talk to one another. But those conversations take place over the vast distances which separate us. The secret behind this apparent contradiction is that the "vast distances" are not physical – they are instead spiritual, intellectual, perceptual. The same physical plane encloses and connects the "separate" universes. What separates them are the ways their residents choose to perceive, interact, exchange and communicate with one another. While these universes exist sidereally in the same space/time, they are actually driven by and operate according to completely unique and different sets of internal "Laws of Existence"...Uh, Stories.

Researchers have not yet established an actual catalog of "Verses," though preliminary data suggest that the number may be infinite. Many people appear to exist in a "place" called "Scarcity/Failure." Others in "Sports/Competition." Some are "Harried Careerist" or "Financial Professional." Many in nearby "Predator." Some in "Politics/Washington." Still others in "Perfect/Rightness." Some live in "Abundance," and a rare few in "Serenity." Recent discoveries also include, "Celebrity/Victim and Harvard." Of course, many readers will be familiar with "Manhattan - (Upper East Side)" and "Hollywood." Let us not forget the formidable "Wall Street." "Teen Age" is a universe understood everywhere, as is "Tortured Parent." Each universe has a prevailing story or "script."

Other, more familiar words describing this reality are context and position. When you communicate, you're speaking "out of a universe and from a context or position." And you will be perceived as speaking out of a particular universe, from a context or position. The problem occurs if where you are from – and the universe you are perceived to be from do not correlate...

A recent example occurred when the co-location of the following four universes was demonstrated in the press: "Boston/Cambridge," "Harvard," "Politics/Washington," and "Media."

1. Respected Professor Henry Louis Gates of "Harvard," returned home recently from a lecture assignment and without actually noticing the instaneous translocation, found himself in "Boston/Cambridge" where he was neither famous nor respected. While in "Boston/Cambridge," Mr. Gates was just another anonymous black man contending with a recalcitrant door knob.
   
   
2. Enter Sergeant Crowley, a white police officer and local figure of respect, who – responding to a burglary call and encountering an upset, uncooperative, initially anonymous, black suspect – made a "disorderly conduct" arrest. He didn't realize he'd stepped through a passage and become the subject of a Harvard lecture. Neither man received the respect he felt he deserved.
   
   
3. Both men then stepped through a wormhole together and entered the "Media/Circus" where a different set of laws apply – and their mutual anger and frustration were superseded by the media vans and crowds of reporters camped on their front walks.
   
   
4. The intense glare and attention which characterize the "MediaVerse" soon dragged the incident into "Politics/Washington" wherein The President, responding to press questions, thought he was speaking as "friend of Skip Gates" but instantly translocated, and as "Commander in Chief," opined that "the police had acted stupidly."
   
   
5. By now, the incident had taken on galactic proportions and threatened to reach critical mass. Noticing the threat; Crowley, Gates, President Obama and the Vice President decided to calm things with a "Beer in the Garden" in order to destimulate one another and the media. The jovial meeting once again "separated the 'verses'" and allowed each individual to draw the distinction between his true feelings, and the "scripted stories" that almost played out to a negative conclusion. The Professor, the Sergeant and the President transported back to "Harvard", "Boston/Cambridge" and "Politics/Washington” respectively. At last report, all the players were continuing their separate and distinct lives, happy to reside once again in their home universes.

Preliminary Conclusions:

1. We are all "Big People" in our own universe, where each of us is absolutely, individually "Right!"
2. Transport between universes happens instantly, often un-intentionally, and usually unconsciously.
3. Every universe has a “Predominant Story.” These powerful "scripts" can overcome the best of personal intentions.
4. The only way for everyone to be right at the same time is for each to reside in a separate universe.
5. Communication, Respect and Responsibility are the active ingredients which create or collapse separate universes.
6. Defeat the "Private Universe" with respectful probing... "Who are you. What's it like in there? How can I help?"

This was all pretty technical and politically correct. Another word for separate universe: "Stereotype." (But in our politically correct universe -- nobody does that anymore -- so we can no longer talk about it.)

At home, I “take out the garbage.” At the office, I'm the “Distinguished Chairman.” In Washington, I'm one of "those lazy diabetics, or one of those who don't pay enough taxes." But beneath the stereotypes, I'm just Jennifer. Come on by and have a conversation.

Post Script:

Sgt. Crowley, speaking recently at a high school about fighting racial/religious stereotypes, referred to the "Gates/Crowley/Obama Meeting in the Garden" and was nonplussed to discover that the teenagers in the audience hadn't heard of the event...

Next Week: “Bridging the light years between the Verses."

Returning Decorum to Discourse

The Wall Street Journal's Holman Jenkins writes in his interview with Eric Schmidt that the Google CEO "predicts, apparently seriously, that every young person one day will be entitled automatically to change his or her name on reaching adulthood in order to disown youthful hijinks stored on their friends' social media sites."

Posted: 08-14-10

People have begun to say things in print and on the web that they would never ever dare to say in person. ( And that's a bad thing!)

Worse, there's an aesthetic taking shape in e-mail and web discourse that is not yet fully evolved, and not yet well understood... It's the wild, wild west out there, and nobody knows how to behave in cyberspace... So they behave badly because of the illusion of anonymity. Make no mistake; it's a life and death thing.

We received a web site comment recently; rather heated -- critical even! While our critic may have had a point, we wonder if he'd have spoken in person with the same level of outrage he manifested online. Brings to mind the unleavened quality of public discussion on the web, talk radio and television. Reminds me of the early days of CB radio – raw, frank and radioactive. In earlier years, there was a smaller “public sphere,” and a higher barrier to entry. As I recall, shouting, upset or outrage was never an issue with Chet, David or Walter. Now with seemingly everyone online, everyone has an issue, a complaint, a rant, an upset. And of course each of us can now, (with sufficient bandwidth and technical support) open up our own "Twenty-Four Seven Fairly Balanced Media Outlet." Round the Clock Outrage!

Wow. Look at how far American Dignity has fallen. All right. It is what it is… a sobering commentary on public discourse in these roaring 2000’s... Free Speech. What a Country.

Yet, as I remember my training in elementary school, all freedoms are (or ought to be) balanced with a degree of restraint. That’s it! That’s what’s been missing!

When people are (repeatedly, continuously, at the top of their lungs) questioning the parentage and birthright of the President of the United States, things have gone too far.

I’m searching for a little more Dignity, Restraint, Adult Behavior, Polite Discourse, Focus – as on the key issues VS. impugning the sexual identity or intelligence of the opponent. Behave Children!

We think raising standards of behavior might be worthwhile. Here are "Eight Components for Above Reproach Communication" -- in person, online or in the media:

1. Count to ten before hitting “Send.”
   
2. Don’t say or write (on paper or in electronic format) anything that you wouldn’t want your mother, boss, clergy or the readership of the Wall Street Journal to witness.
   
3. Keep in mind that documents have a half-life only slightly less than uranium. (Witness the recent Supreme Court Confirmation process… If you wrote it in college, it can surface and embarrass you thirty years later.)
   
4. Separate the Argument from the Author! Then Refute the Argument and Leave the Author intact! Don't stoop to lowbrow personal attacks! Leave the author a place to stand.
   
5. Being “Right” doesn’t matter. What people take away from Facebook, rants and flames is not always or exclusively the factual claim, but the quality and character (or the apparent lack thereof) of the owner. You might be factually right, yet leave the reader with the sense that you are a raving lunatic who happened to get the facts right – once.
   
6. Editors are important. They take the content down to the basics, soften the most strident tones, and provide time to mellow the sentiments. Consider getting another set of eyes on your work before hitting “Send.”
   
7. “If you mean it then you shoulda put your name on it!” If an honest signature and location were a condition of posting, internet traffic would drop by two thirds. Nothing says you’re serious like Your Signature! And nothing will enhance your willingness to pay full attention like putting yours on something that can be Googled by anyone on planet Earth. Forget screen names or anonymous posts.
   
8. Up to now we've discussed the process of keeping embarrassment to a minimum. But suppose you say something flatly wrong in print. The ability to apologize is something to cultivate. We’re all wrong from time to time. It's liberating to know you can admit a mistake. A little public humility can soothe a world of hurt, and it’s a huge human being who can make a dignified public apology. Imagine becoming excellent at public Discourse AND Apology!
   
   It still may come to a name change at twenty-one, but if you plan to keep your name for a lifetime, this advisory lays a firm foundation.
   

Tearing Ourselves Apart

Disintegrate
Definition:

1. To separate into parts or lose intactness or
solidness; to break up, deteriorate.
2. To decay
3. To reduce to particles, fragments or parts,
break up or destroy the cohesion of

We have reached a critical point in our cultural evolution where it is standard practice to commit "crimes of the heart" in private and "crimes of the self serving intellect" at work, while committing "crimes against the body" by denying our physical health and "crimes of the spirit" by betraying our ultimate moral purposes.

Lives of incoherence, inconsistency and incongruity are displayed as a daily media diet of news, celebrity and family strife. The honorable and adult behavior of professionals and dedicated individuals, fed by enduring objective values has faded from our daily discussion. The span of this "life of disconnected portions" traces the arc from so called "professional athletes" to the creme of our educated, privileged and articulate CEO class. "Serving the ego or the balance sheet" has replaced "serving the common good."

Many have lost track of what was once the centerboard of our cultural heritage... that we are made noble by our dedication to what's best for all concerned – that we have a Social Contract with our families, peers, community and nation to make and keep promises. Folks, we're in this together. Culture requires debate, but civil discourse demands that we recognize that our opponents in the debate are similarly well intentioned and do not deserve to be routinely vilified. We'd best be civil, we’re connected. As Mom used to say, "When you fight with your father, you tear the family apart!"

Cornerstone:

Each of us has a private life, a personal life, a family life, a public life and a professional or work life. They are distinct, but not separate. Together, these many domains comprise one integrated human being. Consider that one can "dis-integrate" one’s own life by pretending there is no connection between the domains of sex and ethics, between politics and family. If I profess a value in public, but fail to live it in private then I have dis-integrated my self – destroyed my own "structural integrity."

One can't divorce emotions from intellect or words from pictures or spirit from service, or public from private. Not without dissolving the bond between them – the whole individual character. One can't betray a partner (business or personal) in private and pretend to keep the faith in public. One can’t be compassionate in church and cruel in politics. One can’t be kind to the client yet rude to the waiter. Well. Of course one can do all of these things... but not while remaining fully alive or sane! There's a price to be paid for conducting a disintegrated life: the loss of our humanity.

A disintegrated tree is no longer a tree – it's wood. A disintegrated tomato – a salad. A disintegrated cow – dinner. A disintegrated human being – nothing; but a series of disconnected "drives" – toward consumption, gratification, self-aggrandizement and self-distruction.

In a time when individual, national and corporate character all seem to be disintegrating; take a moment to consider this terrible price – the loss of our humanity.

Now. What to do:

Make a promise to yourself... to keep your character intact.

Make a promise to your spouse... to honor them.

Make a promise to your family... to serve them.

Make a promise to your employer/employees to serve and enhance their shared ability to exchange.

Make a promise to your community and country, to serve and to hold them to the highest standard.

It is both our responsibility and privilege as rational human beings to live fully integrated lives. Keeping these promises is where that responsibility begins and ends.

Promises made, promises kept – the secret behind personal character, corporate branding and national cohesion.

Do this – Everywhere. Every day. Always.

And let's put ourselves back together.

How do you know it's Good?

"You like it. Your friends like it. Their peer group likes it. The public likes it. Many people buy it. It's all very subjective. But you want lots of approval and lots of sales."

– Sir Michael Philip “Mick” Jagger
English musician, singer-songwriter
(1943 -)











Your organization? Your sales force? Your product? Your story? Your meeting? Your presentation? How do you know they're good?

What's the standard? What's the criteria?

Presumably, at the end of the day, the year, the career, the life – one might want to look back with a certain prideful satisfaction. So perhaps a little consideration devoted to “standards of achievement” is advisable at the beginning. On what basis do you conclude that "you done good?" Is it all “very subjective” or is there instead, a set of objective standards which define “GOOD?”

Many of us conduct our lives hewing to the default standard...the unconscious consideration that we want to "fit in" against the backdrop of common practice, group assumption, the canvas of how everyone does it – peer pressure. We don't want to be noticed or singled out. We just want to get through it. Yet, is it enough to say "I did what everyone else was doing? I was average. I got C's. I lived on credit, had a few flings. Didn't accomplish much, and I was asleep most of the time, but I survived lots of meetings..."

Maybe there's more? Maybe "being singled out" is one indicator of what "Good" is all about. Add that to "raising the standard of performance or service." Should something happen when we finish a presentation? Should our spouse smile when we walk into the room? Should our colleagues seek out our counsel?

Standards.

They are a fundamental – though not always visible – part of our lives. And every day, we raise, lower or leave them in place. Most of the time, they are not objective, or even subjective, they are simply “the default.” (Meetings are dull. Entertainment isn’t. Lives are too often lived on autopilot.)

But occasionally someone, through an exceptional statement, performance or demonstration shakes us all into awareness of a single resplendent moment of personal greatness. Why? Because they had an exceptional standard of aspiration. They wanted more, perhaps to be the best. Maybe they wanted to leave every room better then they found it.

We're not attempting to dictate here, but to create an explicit discussion about something that usually goes unnoticed.

For yourself, your family, the community, the work, make the discussion and the aspiration toward greatness a regular part of life. Be able to say, "Here's what I believe constitutes a successful meeting, relationship, career, and life. These are the standards to which I am committed!" Gives you more to talk about than the weather.

Set Standards! (Having a standard is where it begins.)
Articulate them! (Explicit Standards open the debate.)
Stick to them! (Agreement and Consistency make things stable.)
Raise them! (Continuous improvement wins the competition!)

Go out into the world and prepare to defend your position!

In the end, you'll know "You done good!

The Uses of Not

"Thirty spokes share the wheel's hub. It is the center hole that makes it useful. Shape clay into a pot. Where the pot's not; is where it's useful. Cut doors and windows for a room; the space inside makes "room" for you. Therefore the profit in what is; lies in the use of what is not."


from the Tao Te Ching
by Lao Tsu
Translation by Gia-Fu Feng, Taoist Priest (1919 – 1985)
and Ursula K. LeGuinn, Novelist (1929 -











In a culture orbiting around acquisition, finance, politics and global strife; this reference to an ancient sage and his commentary about the power of emptiness might seem pointless. Yet, the examples below might serve to demonstrate just how much nothing can contribute to making sense.

tobeornottobethatisthequestionwhetheritisnoblerinthemindtosuffertheslingsandarrowsofoutrageousfortuneortotakearmsagainstaseaoftroublesandbyopposingendthem

To be or not to be. That is the question.
Whether it is nobler in the mind to "Suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?"
Or
to "Take Arms against a sea of troubles", and by opposing end them!?

The difference in the examples is not the raw text, but the inclusion of more and more "space between the notes." Nothingness. As space (nothing) is added, the meaning increases. (Of course, punctuation helps you may say… But the classical purpose of punctuation is to indicate the use of space/silence.)

Some advice:

In spite of the omnipresent cultural arguments to the contrary -- silence, space and contemplation are meaningful additions to our lives. Add more "not" to your day, and notice your mood improve.

In Conversation: Add more space between the notes, and notice your partners respond to your magnetic personality.

In the Gym: Add some calm silence to your workout, and savor the slow stretch. Contentment follows.

In Presentations: Pause a little after your major statements. The silence will allow your audience to digest and consider the arguments before you move on.

In Meetings: Resist leaping into the silence when your colleague stops talking. Show your respect in reflection.

At Home: Be quiet. Rub your partner's feet.

Perhaps there are more uses for "Nothing" than we realize!