Life is a Game

“The soft-minded man always fears change. He feels security in the status quo, and he has an almost morbid fear of the new. For him, the greatest pain is the pain of a new idea.”

-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Civil-Rights Leader
(1929 - 1968)

Recommended any good books lately? How about a great movie?

When a good book or movie (or training session…) resonates with you, the natural tendency is to share it. Wow, that was great…who else might enjoy it?! The central theme of the movie you just saw addresses an issue your friend has been grappling with and you can’t wait for him to see the movie – imagine the discussion you two will have! People like to share their discoveries with one another; these shared experiences engender lively discussions about new ideas, and deepen their understanding of one another.

We suggest that life is a “game.” The point of the game is to grow – both yourself and others. Ideas are toys – instruments of play – we exchange them and bat them back and forth like kids on a playground. Playfulness, flexibility and openness allow an idea to be held up to the light for public consideration in “the spirit of play.” It’s the willingness to playfully consider other points of view that makes the game both rich and interesting.

So, what happens when you friend ignores your “must see” movie recommendation? Why are they resisting? Maybe they’re comfortable with what they know and anything new feels like a threat to their very carefully maintained status quo. New ideas can constitute a challenge to what they believe to be true in their own universe.

Sometimes people resist new ideas by shutting down…becoming defensive rather than inquisitive (“Movies are for entertainment – Hollywood can’t teach me anything!”). Other times they’re critical (“That idea will never work!”). There are those who readily accept any idea without examining it (“If you say it’s so!”) or the silent resister muttering under their breath (“Whatever!”).

Pursuing our game metaphor, the resister is the one in the group who looks pinched, defensive or guarded. Obviously, they have momentarily lost the “spirit of play” – the fundamental requirement for getting on the field. Winning is having the other guy say “Wow!” – Losing is refusing to engage. The winners are those who can “keep the ball in play” the longest. The losers are the ones who take their ball and go home.

How do we become open to new ideas? Instead of defense or outright rejection, consider discovering the intention behind the new idea. Communication is the answer. It begins with the spirit of play – the willingness to be touched by what the other person has to say, watching the movie, or reading the book, (or attending the training session) then contemplating the idea, and articulating it to make sure you’ve understood.

So, rather than resisting, we suggest being open to new ideas. Does this mean giving up your beliefs? Well… maybe or maybe not. Does it mean you have to agree? No. But, being closed to new ideas guarantees a limited perspective. Being open to a different viewpoint, there’s opportunity to grow and learn; the willingness to play the game enhances understanding…and everyone wins.

Applications

Personal: Has someone recommended a book or movie to you lately? What is holding you back? Maybe there’s a message they’re trying to share with you. Find out.

Home: When your kids have an idea, don’t shut them down. Hear them out. You might get a glimpse into their universe.

Work: Be open to others’ ideas and see things from their point of view. Are you making it safe for colleagues to question your ideas? Or are they “yessing” you to death? Elicit questions and feedback. Maybe you’ll learn a better way.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
- Stephen R. Covey

New ideas aren’t always destructive or painful. A game played without exertion – or the occasional tackle and the potential for getting dirty isn’t really a game. Embrace the rough and tumble opportunity for learning and growth. Go play!

Active Awareness

“The language of the body is the key than can unlock the soul.”

-Konstantin Stanislavsky
Russian Actor
(1863 - 1938)

“Open your ears before you open your mouth, it may surprise your eyes.”

-Earl Nightingale
Motivational Writer & Author
(1921-1989)

How do we create the complete communication “package” that lets your counterpart know they’ve been heard?

Expanding on the concept of Interchange which we spoke about last week, let's look at non-verbal communication: gestures, eye contact and body language. How does becoming aware of these help you?

Awareness is being still and looking outward, with focus and interest on the other person. It’s being in tune with the surroundings, feeling the “air” in the room and “reading” the other person. Notice the non-verbal cues that help you “read” your counterpart. How’s their body language? Slouched, bored, asleep? Or sitting up, attentive and interested? What about eye contact? Where’s their focus? Is it on you or the touch screen in their hand? Your ability to sense the tone and mood of your counterpart and respond accordingly is key to how they will receive you and your spoken message. If you sense something is “off,” stop, indicate and question, e.g. "Is it just me or did a gust of chill wind just enter the conference room?" Don't blindly press forward with your agenda.

Awareness means getting out of your own head. At your next meeting, look around the client’s office. Everyone comments on the obvious – the 8’ x 10’ artwork behind the desk – but does anyone notice the small intricate sculpture next to the family photos? Show sincere interest. Have you heard the same story from other clients 1,000 times already? This time, you may hear something new…because you were open to listening to them. Don’t assume you’ve heard it before. Treat your last appointment on Friday as if it were Monday morning. Your energy and excitement will be appreciated! Thinking about plans for the weekend? Stay on task – there’s still work to do! Notice your own eye contact – is it scattered or is it focused and real – is there a true connection with your counterpart?

It’s impossible to step in the same river twice – each moment is a new opportunity…to learn, to connect, to go deeper – to ultimately be changed by what you hear. By being still and focusing outward on what is said (and left unsaid), your attention is right where it needs to be: on your counterpart. Doing this creates an environment that’s safe for opening up, sharing and unlocking the soul.

Applications

Personal: Be aware of how others are “reading” you. Be outwardly focused – it helps you get out of your own head.

At Home: Stop what you’re doing. Look with warmth and interest. Listen – genuinely listen - to your partner, kids or parents. Even if they’ve said the same thing 1,000 times before, listen as if it’s the first time. You may learn something while deepening the relationships to those closest to you.

At Work: “Read” your counterpart(s) and the room – slow down and give yourself more time to consider what you have absorbed and be prepared to tailor on the fly. Create strong connections by noticing the smaller details, sustaining eye contact and being interested.

Surprise your eyes and listen before you speak! To unlock the soul requires the complete package.

Interchange

"We know how important it is to listen!"

Ad campaign for Sperry Corporation
1978

"Everybody is talking at me.
I don't hear a word they're saying..."
  

Theme song to “Midnight Cowboy”
Lyrics by Harry Nilsson
American Singer-Songwriter
(1941 - 1994)

Ignites – an information service to the financial industry – recently polled its subscribers about the sales mistakes mutual fund wholesalers make. The poll results showed the #1 mistake is the failure to listen closely to identify clients' needs followed by not researching the prospect in advance of a meeting.

We agree…listening is a valuable skill in the sales process but, “that’s not communication!” We think there may be a bit more to it. Listening doesn’t mean quietly waiting your turn to talk. Listening alone doesn’t get the job done. Communication is more than listening – it’s about Interchange.

Since 1984, we've been using the term "Interchange" to describe a communication style that allows both sides to have a say, and leaves extra time to formulate a considered response. It's not "one way," but "two way," with a series of repetitive cycles. "Hearing your partner out" is the magic description of a successful session when the cycles come to an end and you're both perfectly understood. It's hard because though everyone wants to talk, fewer people want to listen – and even fewer are willing to be touched and changed by what they hear.

Actually it's really quite simple, but you've got to get out of your own head, away from your own viewpoint to catch on. How? Well, it starts with the willingness to ask tough questions and being willing to hear what you may not want to hear. It’s being willing to challenge and hold a position – not run and hide.

Interchange is about getting the results you want through and with the assistance of other people; and becoming clear about exactly what action you want the audience to take. What do you want them to do?

Once you’ve uncovered their needs then ask, "Why would they do that?" Finding the answer(s) to that question will provide the raw material for your presentation, ad or sales pitch. Now, if you tell me that you don’t want them to act, that you only wish to inform; here's the big question: "If you don't want to bring about an active outcome or change in the world, why speak at all?"

To build a presentation (and, presumably a relationship) you've got to know and understand what they're thinking, and demonstrate not only that you listened, but that you heard them exactly, that you gave ample consideration to your response. So that when you do respond – your gesture, speech, communique or statement will be so perfect, so genuine, and so human as to demonstrate that you didn't merely listen, but that you heard, understood and responded out of a pure desire to serve.

And what happens next? Well, we've noticed that when people are really understood – served even, they tend to reciprocate. And that's how your business grows.

"Now that's communication!"

Applications:

Personal: Reverse the flow! Start your interactions with a question or an upraised eyebrow and let the games begin! Talking is overrated. As you build the habit of encouraging communication, you will learn everyone's secrets and become a trusted confidant.

At Home: Sometimes it's enough to listen. But in our experience, the secret of success is in the nuanced response – not a rejoinder that only scores points. Mere words may be overrated, but the nuanced response: a hug, a foot massage, a quiet nod, taking the family out for pizza, or reaching for the light switch... These responses don’t score points. They signal that real communication is happening and they take the game to new heights.

Work: Of course, you're still going to talk and present solutions. But, are you listening and truly understanding the needs of your colleagues, prospects or clients and, when appropriate, presenting tailored solutions that serve everyone? Consider: if you're doing this, it’ll certainly raise the standards for your competition…or leave them in the dust.

Interchange is about two people being aware of each other and working towards a common goal. It’s not just about listening or presenting, it's about communication.