Returning Decorum to Discourse (Spoken Word Division)

"What I lack in decorum, I make up for with an absence of tact."

-Don Williams, Jr.
American Novelist and Poet
(1968-)

"Discourse on virtue and they pass by in droves, whistle and dance the shimmy, and you've got an audience."

-Diogenes of Sinope
(c. 404 - 323 B.C.E)

"Remember this, that there is a proper dignity and proportion to be observed in the performance of every act of life."

-Marcus Aurelius
Roman Emperor
(121 - 180)

Time was, one stepped to the lectern, and delivered one's carefully written, and painfully rehearsed remarks to people who paid careful attention and remained respectfully silent throughout - with the occasional outbreak of spontaneous applause. That was before the Time of the Great Circus.

We're on a dark path here...

How it is...
How it oughta' be...
How to get there...

How it is...

Well, it's not good. The tenor of public discourse has gone south, way south. We're not respectful of one another, or our audience. We're not polite. We don't listen. We're poised for outrage. Everyone seems to be demanding their own private stage (in the middle of the public arena). We are too quick to pigeonhole the other side into a mockery of their actual position. We do not allow one to finish before starting our own pre-planned opposition. It has become a smack down; a mockery of civilized discussion. It's not talk; not discussion or debate. It's something entirely worse. We demonize those who disagree; we steal, dilute and eliminate their humanity. We destroy the notion that we have anything in common... actually we agree about more than we disagree. It really is an embarrassment of bad manners - for all of us. It's enough to make one choose to turn off the media and retire to Walden Pond. There's a complete absence of decorum in discourse.


How it oughta' be...

Many of us can still remember what it sounded like to hear two or more people discussing something important. There was a sobriety about it. People focused their whole attention on what was being said, and did not interrupt. They thought about it for a moment before leaping to a response. They respected the other person, if not their idea: but they gave "the distinguished opponent" the benefit of the doubt; knowing that after the debate, they were going to share dinner at the local grill - as friends and colleagues. We thought better of one another in those days. We granted each other a certain credibility and stature. But enough of the past.

We've lost it. But we can get it back. We can do those things still. There's nothing in the rule book that demands that we behave like a mob. (Actually, the rule book - though dusty - demands just the opposite.)

So what's ideal?
We suggest the middle of the road - not either/or - not an extreme on either side. It's easy to believe that since one is the Honcho of the Home, that one is also Monarch of the Mall and Queen of the coffee bar. It. Just. Isn't. So! We're still in this life, this country, this company, this city/county, family - TOGETHER. The ideal is to respect the whole, more than the sum of the parts; or a single part. You can win an election with a hair-thin majority; but you can't accomplish anything unless everyone gets on board. Ladies and Gentlemen: It's time to remember that we need each other - and we all have to contribute to what's best - each of us. Not just those with corporate jets, Everyone.

How to get there...

It begins with you. Yes, YOU!
Stop pointing at others with blame and outrage as you tune to your favorite brand of defamation. Tuning it out doesn't work. Shouting it down doesn't work. What can work is a simple two-part process:

A. Making yourself felt.

B. Managing yourself and your own corner of the universe to a higher standard.
(Details and applications follow...)

As it took us years to allow our culture to descend this far, it will take years to get it right again.

The sooner we begin...

1. Personally
a. Resist the urge to tune out or shout it down. Call the station and politely tell them how their broadcast made you feel. Write the Congresswoman a letter and tell her how your respect would grow if she behaved in a loftier way. Congratulate your friend at Starbucks for having the courage of his conviction, and tell him he'd be more convincing if he polished up his politeness. (Make yourself felt.)

b. Recognize that the true damage begins when we "think the worst" of any other person or group. The "holocaust" begins in the mind before it comes to the streets. When we consider a living, breathing, human opponent to be somehow undeserving of respect, and begin seeing them as the label we impose; we're on the road to Darfur. Start by seeing your opponents as opponents - not enemies. You'll raise your game, and theirs. (Brighten the corner where you are!)


2. At Home
a. Tell the kids coolly and honestly how their behavior makes you feel - sad and a little embarrassed. Tell them what you'd like to see instead (and model the behavior). Tell your partner coolly and calmly that though you understand there's an upset; the outrage may not achieve the desired result. Maybe there's a softer way to go forward together. (Make yourself felt.)

b. Manage your own perceptions. They're your loving family - not sub-humans. They are not the enemy. See them as the slightly confused, occasionally thoughtless humans they really are - and then notice that you may have given them cause. (Make sure you work from the higher ground.)


3. At Work
a. Reviews happen perhaps once a year, or once a quarter. They're always painful for all concerned, perhaps because of the pent-up truth telling that would more rightfully happen moment to moment or day to day. (Make yourself felt.)

b. Make sure you're seeing your team not through the lens of your last job, or the lens of last year, but through the just cleaned lens of this moment. If you're not sure where they stand just now, invite them to put it out there for you. Look out - honesty begets honesty. (Brighten the corner where you are.)


4. In the Public Sphere
a. No guilt, no blame, no flame. But make yourself felt to your congress, your president and your city council. Let them know how they're doing, and they'll likely do better.

b. When all else fails, try speaking. Brighten the corner where you are and step up to the lectern. Give us something to follow and don't be surprised, if having raised the level of debate, we don't start following you.


Diogenes was looking for an honest man. Make yourself easy to find!