Returning Decorum to Discourse

The Wall Street Journal's Holman Jenkins writes in his interview with Eric Schmidt that the Google CEO "predicts, apparently seriously, that every young person one day will be entitled automatically to change his or her name on reaching adulthood in order to disown youthful hijinks stored on their friends' social media sites."

Posted: 08-14-10

People have begun to say things in print and on the web that they would never ever dare to say in person. ( And that's a bad thing!)

Worse, there's an aesthetic taking shape in e-mail and web discourse that is not yet fully evolved, and not yet well understood... It's the wild, wild west out there, and nobody knows how to behave in cyberspace... So they behave badly because of the illusion of anonymity. Make no mistake; it's a life and death thing.

We received a web site comment recently; rather heated -- critical even! While our critic may have had a point, we wonder if he'd have spoken in person with the same level of outrage he manifested online. Brings to mind the unleavened quality of public discussion on the web, talk radio and television. Reminds me of the early days of CB radio – raw, frank and radioactive. In earlier years, there was a smaller “public sphere,” and a higher barrier to entry. As I recall, shouting, upset or outrage was never an issue with Chet, David or Walter. Now with seemingly everyone online, everyone has an issue, a complaint, a rant, an upset. And of course each of us can now, (with sufficient bandwidth and technical support) open up our own "Twenty-Four Seven Fairly Balanced Media Outlet." Round the Clock Outrage!

Wow. Look at how far American Dignity has fallen. All right. It is what it is… a sobering commentary on public discourse in these roaring 2000’s... Free Speech. What a Country.

Yet, as I remember my training in elementary school, all freedoms are (or ought to be) balanced with a degree of restraint. That’s it! That’s what’s been missing!

When people are (repeatedly, continuously, at the top of their lungs) questioning the parentage and birthright of the President of the United States, things have gone too far.

I’m searching for a little more Dignity, Restraint, Adult Behavior, Polite Discourse, Focus – as on the key issues VS. impugning the sexual identity or intelligence of the opponent. Behave Children!

We think raising standards of behavior might be worthwhile. Here are "Eight Components for Above Reproach Communication" -- in person, online or in the media:

1. Count to ten before hitting “Send.”
   
2. Don’t say or write (on paper or in electronic format) anything that you wouldn’t want your mother, boss, clergy or the readership of the Wall Street Journal to witness.
   
3. Keep in mind that documents have a half-life only slightly less than uranium. (Witness the recent Supreme Court Confirmation process… If you wrote it in college, it can surface and embarrass you thirty years later.)
   
4. Separate the Argument from the Author! Then Refute the Argument and Leave the Author intact! Don't stoop to lowbrow personal attacks! Leave the author a place to stand.
   
5. Being “Right” doesn’t matter. What people take away from Facebook, rants and flames is not always or exclusively the factual claim, but the quality and character (or the apparent lack thereof) of the owner. You might be factually right, yet leave the reader with the sense that you are a raving lunatic who happened to get the facts right – once.
   
6. Editors are important. They take the content down to the basics, soften the most strident tones, and provide time to mellow the sentiments. Consider getting another set of eyes on your work before hitting “Send.”
   
7. “If you mean it then you shoulda put your name on it!” If an honest signature and location were a condition of posting, internet traffic would drop by two thirds. Nothing says you’re serious like Your Signature! And nothing will enhance your willingness to pay full attention like putting yours on something that can be Googled by anyone on planet Earth. Forget screen names or anonymous posts.
   
8. Up to now we've discussed the process of keeping embarrassment to a minimum. But suppose you say something flatly wrong in print. The ability to apologize is something to cultivate. We’re all wrong from time to time. It's liberating to know you can admit a mistake. A little public humility can soothe a world of hurt, and it’s a huge human being who can make a dignified public apology. Imagine becoming excellent at public Discourse AND Apology!
   
   It still may come to a name change at twenty-one, but if you plan to keep your name for a lifetime, this advisory lays a firm foundation.
   

Tearing Ourselves Apart

Disintegrate
Definition:

1. To separate into parts or lose intactness or
solidness; to break up, deteriorate.
2. To decay
3. To reduce to particles, fragments or parts,
break up or destroy the cohesion of

We have reached a critical point in our cultural evolution where it is standard practice to commit "crimes of the heart" in private and "crimes of the self serving intellect" at work, while committing "crimes against the body" by denying our physical health and "crimes of the spirit" by betraying our ultimate moral purposes.

Lives of incoherence, inconsistency and incongruity are displayed as a daily media diet of news, celebrity and family strife. The honorable and adult behavior of professionals and dedicated individuals, fed by enduring objective values has faded from our daily discussion. The span of this "life of disconnected portions" traces the arc from so called "professional athletes" to the creme of our educated, privileged and articulate CEO class. "Serving the ego or the balance sheet" has replaced "serving the common good."

Many have lost track of what was once the centerboard of our cultural heritage... that we are made noble by our dedication to what's best for all concerned – that we have a Social Contract with our families, peers, community and nation to make and keep promises. Folks, we're in this together. Culture requires debate, but civil discourse demands that we recognize that our opponents in the debate are similarly well intentioned and do not deserve to be routinely vilified. We'd best be civil, we’re connected. As Mom used to say, "When you fight with your father, you tear the family apart!"

Cornerstone:

Each of us has a private life, a personal life, a family life, a public life and a professional or work life. They are distinct, but not separate. Together, these many domains comprise one integrated human being. Consider that one can "dis-integrate" one’s own life by pretending there is no connection between the domains of sex and ethics, between politics and family. If I profess a value in public, but fail to live it in private then I have dis-integrated my self – destroyed my own "structural integrity."

One can't divorce emotions from intellect or words from pictures or spirit from service, or public from private. Not without dissolving the bond between them – the whole individual character. One can't betray a partner (business or personal) in private and pretend to keep the faith in public. One can’t be compassionate in church and cruel in politics. One can’t be kind to the client yet rude to the waiter. Well. Of course one can do all of these things... but not while remaining fully alive or sane! There's a price to be paid for conducting a disintegrated life: the loss of our humanity.

A disintegrated tree is no longer a tree – it's wood. A disintegrated tomato – a salad. A disintegrated cow – dinner. A disintegrated human being – nothing; but a series of disconnected "drives" – toward consumption, gratification, self-aggrandizement and self-distruction.

In a time when individual, national and corporate character all seem to be disintegrating; take a moment to consider this terrible price – the loss of our humanity.

Now. What to do:

Make a promise to yourself... to keep your character intact.

Make a promise to your spouse... to honor them.

Make a promise to your family... to serve them.

Make a promise to your employer/employees to serve and enhance their shared ability to exchange.

Make a promise to your community and country, to serve and to hold them to the highest standard.

It is both our responsibility and privilege as rational human beings to live fully integrated lives. Keeping these promises is where that responsibility begins and ends.

Promises made, promises kept – the secret behind personal character, corporate branding and national cohesion.

Do this – Everywhere. Every day. Always.

And let's put ourselves back together.

How do you know it's Good?

"You like it. Your friends like it. Their peer group likes it. The public likes it. Many people buy it. It's all very subjective. But you want lots of approval and lots of sales."

– Sir Michael Philip “Mick” Jagger
English musician, singer-songwriter
(1943 -)











Your organization? Your sales force? Your product? Your story? Your meeting? Your presentation? How do you know they're good?

What's the standard? What's the criteria?

Presumably, at the end of the day, the year, the career, the life – one might want to look back with a certain prideful satisfaction. So perhaps a little consideration devoted to “standards of achievement” is advisable at the beginning. On what basis do you conclude that "you done good?" Is it all “very subjective” or is there instead, a set of objective standards which define “GOOD?”

Many of us conduct our lives hewing to the default standard...the unconscious consideration that we want to "fit in" against the backdrop of common practice, group assumption, the canvas of how everyone does it – peer pressure. We don't want to be noticed or singled out. We just want to get through it. Yet, is it enough to say "I did what everyone else was doing? I was average. I got C's. I lived on credit, had a few flings. Didn't accomplish much, and I was asleep most of the time, but I survived lots of meetings..."

Maybe there's more? Maybe "being singled out" is one indicator of what "Good" is all about. Add that to "raising the standard of performance or service." Should something happen when we finish a presentation? Should our spouse smile when we walk into the room? Should our colleagues seek out our counsel?

Standards.

They are a fundamental – though not always visible – part of our lives. And every day, we raise, lower or leave them in place. Most of the time, they are not objective, or even subjective, they are simply “the default.” (Meetings are dull. Entertainment isn’t. Lives are too often lived on autopilot.)

But occasionally someone, through an exceptional statement, performance or demonstration shakes us all into awareness of a single resplendent moment of personal greatness. Why? Because they had an exceptional standard of aspiration. They wanted more, perhaps to be the best. Maybe they wanted to leave every room better then they found it.

We're not attempting to dictate here, but to create an explicit discussion about something that usually goes unnoticed.

For yourself, your family, the community, the work, make the discussion and the aspiration toward greatness a regular part of life. Be able to say, "Here's what I believe constitutes a successful meeting, relationship, career, and life. These are the standards to which I am committed!" Gives you more to talk about than the weather.

Set Standards! (Having a standard is where it begins.)
Articulate them! (Explicit Standards open the debate.)
Stick to them! (Agreement and Consistency make things stable.)
Raise them! (Continuous improvement wins the competition!)

Go out into the world and prepare to defend your position!

In the end, you'll know "You done good!

The Uses of Not

"Thirty spokes share the wheel's hub. It is the center hole that makes it useful. Shape clay into a pot. Where the pot's not; is where it's useful. Cut doors and windows for a room; the space inside makes "room" for you. Therefore the profit in what is; lies in the use of what is not."


from the Tao Te Ching
by Lao Tsu
Translation by Gia-Fu Feng, Taoist Priest (1919 – 1985)
and Ursula K. LeGuinn, Novelist (1929 -











In a culture orbiting around acquisition, finance, politics and global strife; this reference to an ancient sage and his commentary about the power of emptiness might seem pointless. Yet, the examples below might serve to demonstrate just how much nothing can contribute to making sense.

tobeornottobethatisthequestionwhetheritisnoblerinthemindtosuffertheslingsandarrowsofoutrageousfortuneortotakearmsagainstaseaoftroublesandbyopposingendthem

To be or not to be. That is the question.
Whether it is nobler in the mind to "Suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?"
Or
to "Take Arms against a sea of troubles", and by opposing end them!?

The difference in the examples is not the raw text, but the inclusion of more and more "space between the notes." Nothingness. As space (nothing) is added, the meaning increases. (Of course, punctuation helps you may say… But the classical purpose of punctuation is to indicate the use of space/silence.)

Some advice:

In spite of the omnipresent cultural arguments to the contrary -- silence, space and contemplation are meaningful additions to our lives. Add more "not" to your day, and notice your mood improve.

In Conversation: Add more space between the notes, and notice your partners respond to your magnetic personality.

In the Gym: Add some calm silence to your workout, and savor the slow stretch. Contentment follows.

In Presentations: Pause a little after your major statements. The silence will allow your audience to digest and consider the arguments before you move on.

In Meetings: Resist leaping into the silence when your colleague stops talking. Show your respect in reflection.

At Home: Be quiet. Rub your partner's feet.

Perhaps there are more uses for "Nothing" than we realize!

Learning, Surrender and Engagement

"The beginner's white belt gets darker with every hour spent on the mat; at some point, it becomes black."


Yoshihiko Hirata Sensei
Aikido Master
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
All learning requires some fundamental commitments, and adheres to a set of standard principles:

1. The student doesn't know everything already.
    (Empty your cup.)

2. Endless Failures are the path to knowledge.
    (Take another fall; again!)

3. Sacrifice ego and self importance and speed the
    accumulation of knowledge.
    (Curiosity trumps ego!)

4. Master: Responsible for Teaching.
    Student: Responsible for Learning.
    (We need each other.)

5. Masters are the best students.
    (Never stop learning!)

6. That which Hurts, also instructs.
    (Honor the pain!)

7. Dojo means, "The Room in which we Find the Way."
    (We bow to honor what we're about to learn.)

8. Working when you don't want to, defines commitment.
    (Every day in the dojo!)

9. Both attack and defense require diligent practice.
   (Consider, absorb, and prepare to respond to attacks
    from all points of view!)

10. Mastery is demonstrated in life, as well as on the mat.
     (Masters: Everything improves in their wake.)

In your life and work, "on the mat" and off; surrender to the lesson, engage with the master and let your belt grow darker – from use.

(This post may be about Martial Arts, then again...)

In praise of "Counselor Servant Sellers"

"One of the little joys of being a human being, is the occasional opportunity to enjoy "being human" together – to bask in the warmth of an affectionate smile, to appreciate an inside joke, to be caressed, to be served coffee by someone you know cares whether it's gone cold..."

–  J.R. St. John
   Executive Counselor,
  Consultant, Speaker
  Founder of The Fusion Group
  1952 –

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

All right, listen up! This is for all you sellers and servers suffering in silence thinking that you don't contribute anything to the nation, the economy, the company or your client / customers.

What if YOU are the uniqueness in the product? Yes, You!
What if you are the reason we buy the coffee?
What if you are the reason we feel safe investing in your anonymous money management company?
What if you are the reason we feel confident buying the new car from a different company with the custom glass and the very cool upholstery?
What if you are the reason we think buying the new computer is not a stupid risk?
What if you are the reason we were able to buy orthotics to resolve that nagging foot pain; confident that it wasn't diabetes, but flat feet?
What if it's your passion [about your product] that makes us want to hang around you and listen, as we buy your stuff to pay for the time?
What if it’s not the special paint?

Not the unusually cogent portfolio management team?
Not the super fast microprocessor?
Not the special sauce?
Not the price?
Not the time allocation required to attend the training...

What if it really is YOU, the person – the counselor servant seller; the individual responsible for hearing what the customer says, divining what they actually mean, then choosing the product, the access, the amount and the level of follow up required to keep them happy long term?

YOU. Not IT! You.

So now you’re probably busy erecting a wall of humility and misdirection... "Aw shucks ma'am, I didn't do nothin’."

But you did…you did something by "putting in the nothing" (the moment of profound personal understanding) right between when they finished and when you proposed a solution. There was a moment where you were listening and heard what they meant, and felt, and thought. In that moment, they were understood. (Being understood is not a quantifiable event – it's no-thing. And a pretty important nothing at that.) That moment made the next moment possible and meaningful... Because you were able to bring them exactly what they needed. You proved you knew them by serving up the answer to their question, the solution to the problem.

The solution could be had almost anywhere... or at least in several places. But YOU are what made it possible for them to find the answer today. Here. Now. Just in time. Before it was too late...

You. The product. The delivery mechanisms. Together, you form a powerful composite product solution. Without you, it's just another microprocessor on a shelf.

Some suggestions:

Managers: It generally takes longer to sell through service – so consider your management metrics carefully before coming down on your wildly effective servant sellers for not doing more meetings in less time. Manage to results, not merely the meetings. It's a different tack, but quality takes time… and builds long lasting relationships.

Sellers: Recognize that you can't get someone to listen – or absorb – until they have been heard out, and understood. So invest the time, and get what's on their mind and in their heart. You'll know if you've got a product that'll serve; and because you've listened – you'll have earned their trust in your advice.

Customers: (Especially you retail customers) those service people have a hard life, and they deserve your thanks and respect. Why not lavish a little extra TLC on your clerk next time and start them down the path of service?

Almost everything we own was purchased. Some of those purchase experiences were banal if not actually painful. Conversely, many were not only pleasant, but also rewarding far in excess of the price. We know you didn't have to do it. We know the extra study, patience and warmth is hard to summon up from the depths. Thanks…for your service! And for the opportunity to enjoy the pleasure of "being human together."

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson
  Writer, Philosopher
  (1803 –1882)
 

It’s been a dark time: financially, politically, emotionally. It's been easy to see the comets, burning brightly for a second then flaming out.

Look again – People going to work. Serving silently. Still committed to duty, honor, community. Stars, helping you find your way.

In such times a few trustworthy partners, clients, providers and teammates stand out. By their longer hours, quiet commitment, and stable leadership; you’ll recognize them.

The stars aren’t lobbying for a bonus. But they might appreciate an “understated gesture of respect.”

Now is the time to narrow your team to those that shine – and move on together.